So I got this from a friend this morning…

In the generation before ours, and in the generation before the generation before ours, there were people – men and women – who questioned if marital fidelity truly existed. And now, in this generation, here I am, among many others, questioning the same issue, wondering if it is just an ideology instead of an actual day of life.

There have been many cases of married men who have come to speak the words to me that in their heads, no woman can say no to: I want to marry you. There have been men who have tried to pretend to be unmarried, men who have said they are unmarried but quickly explained why their wives have made it an unbearable marriage, and why I, have been sent by God to save them, and there have been men who have sat on the fence, not saying what they are or aren’t, but playing with the idea of being whatever they thought I wanted them to be. But every single time, I am left wondering what kind of women they are married to and what said women are going through.

I remember specifically the case of that guy in church. He had moved to Maryland from another State, and it was his first time visiting my church. He approached me and tried to sell his business to me, saying he could help my own business. At the end, business cards were exchanged. That evening he called and sang a different song. He wanted to know if he could take me to dinner, and if I could be his mistress. Brownie points for not being pretentious.

I learned a lot from him in that one conversation. I learned that he was married with kids, that his wife was pompous and thereby, the inherent cause of his displeasure and dissatisfaction, that monogamy was unnatural, that biblical men were never monogamous (like David), that infidelity actually makes a marriage stronger because when a man sleeps with another woman, it makes his wife more desirable, that he was going to give me money out of his school stipend whenever I needed it, that all I needed to do for him was keep him company by cooking for him, going on dates with him, and of course, letting him invade my privacy with the only appendage that makes him think he’s a man, and finally, that he will let me get married when it’s time. It was just the offer of my dreams. I cannot imagine why I turned it down.

But it was only a couple weeks later that he stood on the altar and sold his product to church, praising the Most High God, and saying how imperative it was to live a holy life and obey His word. And the congregation, they clapped for him and shouted alleluia, amen, and glory. And when he was done, they invested their hard earned money into his cock shit. They called it a sowed seed. I knew better. I sat and watched in horror as he led God’s people astray. And then, I prayed for God to help me, for it was not my place to determine if the ground should open up and swallow him or if lightening should strike through the ceiling and transport his soul to his forefathers.

There are many arguments from the other side, arguments that pass off as excuses, not justifications. Just because we can do something does not mean we should do it. But the other side, they have different reasons why a married man cheats. It is because his wife has gotten fat, because she cares more about her career than she does about her home, because she did not give him children, because she did not give him male children, because she is disrespectful and not submissive, because she does not cook, and because there are women who are willing to be cheated with. 

As long as there are women who are willing to be cheated with, married men will always cheat. Should we then all point guns to our heads because there are guns willing to be shot, because we have the hands to shoot them, and because we have enough problems to want to end it all? When a man who is unable to handle the trials of life decides to take his own life, he is called a punk for taking the easy way out. But if this same man were to take the easy way out by cheating on his wife instead of just walking away, he is called *DRUM ROLL, PLEASE* … a man! Oh, but of course.

It was only last month that I made the acquaintance of Abiodun ‘Omoba’ Olubode at a mutual friend’s house. He calls himself Omoba. He was there with his wife and son. The conversation between me and Omoba did not go past gadgets. Specifically, Blackberry and Nikon. I saw him again a couple of weeks later at a naming ceremony where again, he inquired of my Nikon flash. When he added me on Facebook, I accepted because he was now officially someone I technically knew.

But Omoba sent me a Facebook message that changed the dynamic of things. He said he had dreamt about me twice the night before, that he thought there was something about me, that he did not know how to tell his partner, that he wanted me to keep his feelings between us –“no third party please” – and what did I think. I did not reply.

When listeners added me on Skype during the live show on Saturday morning, I accepted everyone as usual, only to realize that Omoba was one of the people who added me. The hawk had sneaked in with the chickens. He wanted to know my number, if I had received his messages on Facebook, why I had not replied his messages, and if I was worried about his marital status. I promised to reply his message on Facebook.

Days later, I had still not replied Omoba, and he took it upon himself to send several more messages, inquiring of my whereabouts and stating that he was sure I could not possibly be that busy. Of course not. What else could I have on my to-do list, but to reply Omoba’s messages?

Women have more reasons than I know of for dating married men: money, sex, love, infatuation, good looks, prestige, fun, lack of commitment, ignorance, etc. It is said that if one must eat a frog, then one should eat a very fat one. Neither wealth nor fame nor extreme good looks nor intellectual acquisition did Omoba have. Even at rock bottom, I would have no excuse. But what is it that compels his confidence?

When I replied his message and included a four-letter word that rhymes with his insatiable meatless appendage – the possible cause of all his problems – I also predicted his next move. And just like the fly that entered the grave with the dead body, he did as I said he would. He said it was not him, that he did not know what I was talking about, that his Facebook and Skype accounts were both simultaneously hacked, and that I should please explain to him what was going on. In spite of his alleged innocence, he went ahead to call several mutual friends, telling them to plead his guilty case. The smart ones knew better. 

Whether or not women have – by their words and by their actions – enabled their husbands to start illicit affairs is not a subject for debate. The honest ones among us know what we have done and what we are capable of doing. That said, the decision to stay faithful and stick it out or seek pleasure elsewhere is still the man’s decision. It is still a choice, and just like every other choice, the one making it has to own full responsibility for it. And not every man has an enabling wife. Some men just want to eat out of both hands.

Omoba’s wife contacted me to commit the ultimate blunder, an epic fail in its entirety. Her husband, according to her, would never stoop so low. I agree with her. It is impossible to stoop to any kind of low when you are already at the bottom. There is only one time that a married woman should contact the alleged other woman, and that is when her husband has done everything in his power to get rid of her. In any other case, contacting the other woman is like changing her light bulb when there is no electricity. Whether she uses sixty watts, hundred watts, or halogen lights, they will remain off. She can contact the other woman from now till kingdom come, but he who contacts her last, contacts her best. And that would be the cheating husband.

If this entire piece reads as if I mostly hold the married man accountable for his affairs, it is because I do. Morally, it is clear that no woman should be romantically or sexually involved with a married man who is not her husband. But between the lawless woman and the married man, only one of them has made a vow and commitment to another woman saying that he will forsake all others and cling only to his wife, saying that he will stick by her, come what may, till life evades him. Records will reflect that that person is not the lawless woman.

People may be quick to blame the other woman, calling her a whore and a home breaker, but it is from the crack in the wall that the lizard crawls in. If the married man did not open the door of his home, the other woman would not be able to step in and do whatever she is accused of doing.

But what do I know? I am just an unmarried girl giving marital advice. I may soon be directed to go hug a transformer. If it is Optimus Prime, then I would not mind.

What a change a decade makes. Africa has come a long way since the Economist headline (now described as “regrettable”) of May 11, 2000 which referred to Africa as “The Hopeless Continent”.

We are seeing a noticeable shift in the way the continent is perceived from the outside. At the beginning of the year, the London Guardian published an editorial: “A fresh chapter is opening in Africa’s history” and the Financial Times followed up with “Why Africa is leaving Europe behind”. The Economist, itself, in a dramatic reversal, titled its most recent issue “Africa Rising”. These days, it is no longer unusual to come across reports by global financial institutions revealing impressive economic growth, or unprecedented economic opportunities in many parts of the continent.

But even more important than what outsiders think of the continent is what Africans themselves think. We are currently experiencing an exciting transformation in the way we perceive ourselves. A revival of self-confidence is taking place all around us. We are witnessing a series of political re-awakenings that seek to enthrone democracy and the rule of law. Africans are getting more and more used to the idea of deciding, through the ballot-box, their political leadership. Africans who have achieved some measure of success abroad are returning home in increasing numbers, driven by the belief that there is no place like “home”, and armed with a determination to replicate their overseas successes in their own countries.

GDP growth rates have more than doubled in sub-Saharan Africa over the last decade, compared to the 1990s. During the same period, six of the top ten fastest growing economies in the world were sub-Saharan African countries: Angola, Nigeria, Ethiopia, Chad, Mozambique, and Rwanda. That trend is certain to continue into the near future. This year, the World Bank upgraded Zambia and Ghana into the “middle-income” category. Consumer spending on the continent, currently approaching a trillion dollars per annum, is expected to double over the next decade as the middle-class begins to re-emerge and assert itself.

A decade ago, there were less than 100,000 mobile phone lines in Nigeria. Today, there are close to a hundred million. Recent estimates indicate that as many as 40 million Nigerians – a quarter of the population – regularly use the Internet. New infrastructure (roads, railways, power stations, airports) and reform-oriented legislation is being created across the continent. There is a growing shift in emphasis from foreign aid to foreign direct investment – driven by African talent. The New Partnership for Africa’s Development (NEPAD), an African Union development agency, estimates that in the last decade, FDI into Africa grew from $9 billion to $88 billion.

What is becoming clearer by the day is that the private sector, working intelligently and confidently, can fashion home-grown solutions to poverty and economic stagnation.

I am excited about this, especially because I do not think that there will be a future for the world without a confident, self-propelling Africa – an Africa which, armed with the realisation that poverty is not an inescapable curse, actually takes responsibility for its immense potential for economic growth and prosperity.

My belief is that through an energised private sector, Africa can take its place in the driver’s seat and transform itself economically through investments that generate not only economic prosperity but also social wealth. This, in a nutshell, is my philosophy of ‘Africapitalism’. Africapitalism is not capitalism with an African twist; it is a rallying cry for empowering the private sector to drive Africa’s economic and social growth.

This belief has led me to set up two institutions: Heirs Holdings, an African proprietary investment firm committed to the economic transformation of Africa by generating long-term investments through economic prosperity and social wealth; and The Tony Elumelu Foundation, a non-profit organisation that champions impact investing. Impact investing combines the profit motive of traditional investing with the social and developmental outcomes of philanthropy. We look for a double-bottom line: like all investments, we are keen to generate financial return, which helps ensure sustainability, but are also focused on achieving social and communal good. It is a beneficial and value-adding middle-way between the profit obsession of traditional investing, and the often unsustainable ‘hand-out’ approach of traditional philanthropy. Impact investing aims to displace the old and damaging idea of Africa as a perpetual laboratory for aid experiments.

The vision of The Tony Elumelu Foundation is to catalyse and promote impact investing on the continent (and what better way to promote this than by demonstrating it), and also to nurture and support a new generation of African entrepreneurs and business leaders.

Together, both institutions, working in close collaboration with other institutions across the world – we are very much open to partnership, but a partnership of equals – are committed to tackling some of the many challenges that businesses have to deal with on the African continent: regional trade barriers, inadequacy of managerial talent, overemphasis on debt capital as opposed to equity capital, absence of a sufficiently competitive business landscape, harmful overdependence on aid, the absence of a system for measuring the social and developmental effectiveness of investments, among others.

In this series of blog posts, I will further explain why I am optimistic about the economic future of Africa, I will also shed more light on Africapitalism and impact investing, and on the work that Heirs Holdings and The Tony Elumelu Foundation are doing in the quest to set new standards for investing and philanthropy on the African continent.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tony O. Elumelu, MFR, is the Chairman of Heirs Holdings, an African proprietary investment firm that is committed to the economic transformation of Africa by generating long-term investments through economic prosperity and social wealth in a number of sectors including financial services, health care, real estate & hospitality, oil & gas, and agriculture. He is also the Founder of The Tony Elumelu Foundation, an Africa-based, African-funded not-for-profit organisation dedicated to the promotion and celebration of excellence in business leadership and entrepreneurship across Africa. Prior to his retirement in July 2010, Mr. Elumelu was Group Chief Executive Officer of the United Bank for Africa. 

As I watched the events of the last 36hours unfold, I have had to explain to my wife and children why I am so silent, so angry and so sad at the same time? My silence comes from being in awe as I witness the unprecedented yet amazing collaboration of MILITARY and MILITANTS in accomplishing a common goal… to silence the voice of the people. I am so angry that precious lives have been lost as ordinary citizens protested against an unjust policy that was clearly not thought-through and yet, our President describes these fallen heroes as the “adverse effects” of the protest. I am angry that our President made so many open-ended promises without clear deliverables or deadlines and thought we would be gullible and simple-minded enough to say OK. I am so angry that in a hard-earned democratic dispensation, our elected officials went into the barracks and cantonments to invite the very same soldiers (who we fought to return to the barracks) unto the streets against unarmed protesters while armed bandits, militants and terrorists express themselves freely without being muzzled by the military might of our government. But then I am also very sad because I’ve watched this charade play out itself many times before (without the novelty of the military and the militants.) Like I articulated in my facebook message (of January 5, 2012,) on this issue of fuel subsidy removal, this script has been acted out too many times for us to have forgotten how the charade ends. Act 1 Scene 1: Government (hints but) suddenly announces the increase in the pump price of petroleum products. Act 1 Scene 2: The people are angry about Government feeble excuses and explanations asking people to pay more because they can’t confront the corrupt system that makes it unsustainable to keep fuel prices low . Act 2 Scene 1: Organised labour and trade union sense that it is time to bring out the capes and harken to the people’s cry for super-heroes. You know the rest of the story… don’t you? Government gets a court injuction restraining labour from embarking on a strike. Labour disobeys the unjust injunctions and go out to exercise their constitutional rights to call an unemployed populace to mass action. The youth, the homeless, the poor and the unemployed come out en-mass and protest. Labour makes public declarations of the position of the people. Government invites labour to closed door meetings. Something (we call negotiation) happens behind the closed doors. Labour emerges from closed door meetings and declares a deadlock. Govt goes ahead to REDUCE but NOT REVERSE pump price. Labour suspends strike. Employers are happy to get their staff back to work. Everybody gets back on the Rat Race (All motion, No Movement…I think the better way to put it is win-win!!! The only people that lose and suffer are the poor and unemployed who we all said would lose more if we continue the struggle against pump price increments. We never go ‘backward’ to collect our stolen funds from the corrupt officials and the cabals well known to the government. Rather, we choose to go ‘forward’ to rob our poor, feeble and voiceless forever and forget them until its time to bring them out to ‘negotiate’ another unjust policy. So we are back to where it all began… ASUU continues its strike and no one notices the degenerating young minds wasting away in our homes and on our streets. LASU school fees still increased by 900% and admission now costing 250,000 Naira for newly admitted students seeking an education to prepare their minds for the future. The Nigerian Medical Association and doctors must now return back to their death centers (oops.. I meant health centers) and continue to watch helplessly as hopeless patients die from preventable systemic decay rather than the diseases that brought them to the hospital. Some of us will now go back to the LEKKI TOLL GATES and continue to pay toll, since we now have protest-fatigue. In any case, no one remembers why we were fighting against the unjust tolling of a road that was built by LKJakande with tax payers money and now refurbished by concessionaires. What’s the big deal? Let the government continue to collect our taxes to build other roads and we continue to pay tolls to drive on our own (sorry…LCC’s) road. Really…I am sad and angry because after all said and done, nothing has changed… Except for the price of fuel from 65 to 97Naira per liter. Still no refineries, no good roads, no power, no portable water, corrupt officials still in office as they continue ‘partnering’ with their cabals. Investigations without conclusion. Accusations without prosecution. And the world keeps going round and round. So when is real change going to come? As I stated in my earlier message on Jan 5, 2012, the change we need is not just policy. It is in the quality of mind and persons at policy making positions. Without a doubt, our change will come the day our Brightest and Best minds silently RESOLVE that Enough is Enough of mediocrity in policy-making positions and begin to prepare to occupy positions (and not just parks) through the electoral process. So how will we effectively deliver sustainable desired-change? WE NEED A CRITICAL MASS OF NEW NIGERIANS TO TAKE HOLD OF EVERY LEVEL OF POLICY MAKING POSITIONS BY 2015. Not a few good men and women whose voices will get drowned in the cacophony of mediocrity. Let our brightest and best brains begin serious preparations NOW. Don’t wait till 2014 to decide you want to make a change by running for office in 2015. It will be too late if you don’t start NOW!!!! As we keep up the pressure for good governance, let another set of emerging leaders (with a heart for the nation and a love for the people) arise and begin to prepare for 2015. We must encourage, train, mentor and empower the right people to go where few dare. I have committed my life to raise and prepare as many exemplary leaders of excellence to take over the various policy making positions at all levels of governance (federal, state and local)- executive and legislative. This is only the beginning of a long and arduous journey. The real Nigerian spring is going to be in April 2015. Until we change the quality of people in policy-making positions, we won’t yet have real and lasting victory. Don’t get it twisted… The 2015 elections is going to be the opportunity for the real Nigerian Spring. The real question is …Will we be ready to bring the real change we’ve always desired with the same zeal and fervor as we show now? Please don’t let today’s passion die tomorrow. The struggle continues today, tomorrow and forever. We WILL deliver the future! God bless you and God bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria. FD